Topic: Memorial Day Gloom
Living up to its reputation, Memorial Day 2009 is cold and rainy in the Rockies, specifically Pagosa Springs, Colorado — my new home.
That's not to say there haven't been warm and beautiful Memorial Day holidays in my memory. Last year, in fact, was really "summer like" in southeastern Ohio. It was my last Memorial Day weekend with my late husband, and as I recall, we had company and there was a lot of hustle and bustle involved.
This year I am all alone. The weather suits me because I am definitely in a "memorial mood." Two weeks ago I arrived here in Pagosa Springs with my dog and my cat, after four to five days of traveling across the country in our Windstar. We were all glad to get to our new home and to greet the movers, who unloaded our furniture and a multitude of boxes — most of which, believe it or not, I have already unpacked. The climate was everything I'd hoped it would be — sunny, blue skies, gorgeous!
This Memorial Day weekend, for me, has been reflective and quiet. It seems everyone else must be busy with their own lives. The phone hasn't rung and nobody has come by. That's okay, though. I think I needed to have this time to be in solitude and to pay silent respect to those in my life who have passed and contributed their love and gifts to the world.
It doesn't matter that Ethan wasn't a veteran. He still served... in many ways. In his lifetime he gave to so many along the way. He made a big difference in people's lives, especially those who were close to him. My memories are all happy ones today. I do miss him, but somehow I feel he isn't far away from me.
Naturally my thoughts also turn to my Dad on this Memorial Day. He was a veteran of World War II, and he was a big influence on many people's lives. I am proud to have had Marvin Schumacher as my father in this lifetime. I honor my brother Jim, who was in Vietnam in the US Army during the 1960s, and I honor all the men and women who had the guts to join our Armed Forces in the last several decades. It could not have been easy for most of them.
The aftermath of all the changes that occurred in my life these past months seems to finally be landing at my feet. For so long everything has been geared to getting me right to this moment — being
in Colorado again — and now that I am here, and all has come to pass, I can't help but ask, "OK, God, what now?"
I know there is a purpose why I was led here to Pagosa Springs and not back to my old haunts in Paonia and Delta. It would have been easy for me to throw my arms up in the air and return to Paonia, where everything is familiar and I still have some friends. Yet I chose Pagosa Springs. A couple of times this past week I've asked myself, "Why? Why did I come to a place where I don't know anyone really, and the chances of work are not that great?"
Why did Spirit make it so easy for me to come here? There has to be an answer. I know there is a reason for everything. ith all the changes in my life, I suppose it's inevitable to feel this way now. Why didn't I go to Durango, near Niara, where job prospects are better? Why didn't I return to the North Fork?
Well... I did ask myself these questions before I made my final decision. I tried to like Durango, really I did! That small voice within said, "It's too big!" And when I considered the North Fork, the small voice cried out again, "Too many memories. You need a fresh start."
That's one reason I'm in Pagosa... to make a fresh start... a new beginning. No chance of falling back into old habits and getting stuck, wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. I'm here! The grass is greener HERE! Really, it's so friggin' beautiful in this part of Colorado, all else pales in my mind's eye.
But it's not just the beauty of the area, it's the ENERGY.
I am learning patience. I know that God will let me know my path when the time is right. All I need to do is trust, and let go of my insecurities. I have too much going for me not to trust afer I've come this far. There is much work to do. December 2012 is not that far away, and I have a part to play in whatever is going to occur at that time.
How interesting it will be to look back a year from now, when Memorial Day comes around again, and I remember how vulnerable and alone I felt now, uncertain as to the future, waiting for God's Plan to unfold...