Mood:
sadTopic: When the end is in sight
The days of November are here. Gloomy, dismal days... some. Today is cold, gray and blustery, reminding us that winter is not far away.
I know the time is not long now when I must say goodbye to my Special One. I have been letting go for many months now, and we are not afraid to talk about it, or even joke at times about it.
Only God knows how much time is left. I don't want to guess or speculate, based on any observation or feeling. Things could change, after all. It is not up to us to decide these things.
My feelings right now are on hold. I can't feel sad... yet, because he is still here with me, and I treasure each day with him, even those that are rough getting through.
It's hard to understanding what he must be going through. I grow impatient at times. I feel resentment, and then I chastise myself for being so selfish as to dwell upon my own woes.
It is difficult not to think about what lies ahead, however. I don't want to think about how I am going to get along without him. I've depended on him for almost 18 years now. I can't bear to think of him not being here... no longer feeling his warm body beside me in bed... or the sound of his voice... it will be so final.
Has it been selfish of me to keep him from leaving? Was it wrong to make him promise to stay with me as long as he possibly could, when I'm sure he is more than ready to move on, without the encumbrance of a body that no longer serves him as it once did?
Gloomy days of November... nostalgic, oppressive days and nights... yet the sun will shine again. Spring will arrive one fine day.
