Mood:
not sureTopic: Merry May?
Some insist May is the best month of the year. There's no doubt it is one of the prettiest, and it holds the promise of warm days ahead, at least in this hemisphere where I live.
Spring arrived late in southeastern Ohio this year, and the trees are just now leafing out. Blossoming fruit trees and shrubs are a delight to the eye, and the discovery of lilacs in our front yard pleases me.
Neighbors came and plowed a garden spot for us. That was so very nice of them... and now it is disc-ed and ready to be planted. After more than a decade living in the arid West and not being able to maintain a garden (due to lack of water), we are going to grow things this year.
I've got tomato plants started, and yesterday we purchased seeds for many other kinds of vegetables and herbs. Last evening was the perfect temperature for planting my first raspberry bush in the backyard. As daylight drew to an end, the frogs began serenading and the wood thrushes filled the hollow with their echoing melodies.
Life is beautiful. So why is it that I've been experiencing periodic melancholy? At a time when I should be thrilled, surrounded by all these eastern songbirds, and the beauty of spring, there are days when I feel dangerously close to being depressed.
It's a new feeling for me, or at least something I've not experienced in a long time. It's not that I'm bored. There is always plenty to do, and I have projects I am excited about. But... some days there is this sense of hopelessness in my life... something missing. I haven't been able to put my finger on it yet.
I can overlook it, because my husband is happy here. We did the right thing moving to a lower altitude, and he is content. He knows that I am not, even when I deny it. I miss Colorado, and I miss the West, strange as it may sound when I was so looking forward to getting reacquainted with these eastern songbirds and enjoying the green-ness of life.
I left a good job, good friends, halfway decent pay, and a home I loved. I miss it all. I have no one here except my husband and the dog. But that is what I wanted, after all. You sometims get what you ask for. Months ago all I could long for was being alone in a place like this and working on my writing. So, now that I've got it... it doesn't seem as appealing as it did then.
Looking back at the stress, the debt, the obligations in my life... I really don't miss those. It's the simple pleasures that I took for granted. Maybe it's the feeling of being valued that I miss. The day-to-day drudgery of an underpaid job that at least made me a functioning member of society.
My Higher Self reminds me that this is all illusion. One day I will have a job again, be working among people again, and then I will look back at these carefree days and remember how lucky I was. How strange it is that when we are working and involved in life, we want our freedom and leisure time. And then, when we finally get it, we wish we were back where we were!
When I look to the future, these days, I don't know what is ahead anymore. Too much is uncertain. Things could change quickly. The best thing to do is to take one day at a time. Right now I will enjoy May, with its flowers and birdsong and blue moon. The Now is all we really have, after all.
