Sililoquy of an Angel

by Michael Sawicki

An article from the February 2009 issue of THE STAR BEACON

Laraine and Mike

Hello, darlin. I really miss you. I love you so much. I'm sorry that you had to endure that terrible illness. But I am also so very, very proud of you. You were so brave and courageous. Some of your friends said that they didn't even know you were ill. That speaks volumes about the way you conducted yourself. You were so cool.

You have inspired me to live in your honor. It was my honor to be with you as you were passing from this world into the next. As I held your beautiful hand in those final moments, I felt a sense of peace and calm like nothing I had ever experienced in my entire life. It lasted all night long... I didn't sleep a wink. But I'm having difficulty hanging onto it. It's like it wasn't my peace, it was yours.

Many thoughts race through my mind. I was always impressed with your ability to love so deeply. I can honestly say that I have never known anyone as beautiful as you. Your charm, your poise, your spirit, your style. It was completely authentic and natural. What is it about God, anyway? Why does he make so many types of people? Wouldn't it be easier to make them all like you? Maybe that's the point. It's really, really hard to make someone like you, challenging work even for God! I'll ask him to forgive my lack of understanding, but I will thank him every day for blessing me with you.

Random thoughts possess me. It only hurts when I don't think about you. Contradictions creep in. I know that we were all made richer by knowing you, but we are all made poorer by the loss of a loved one. We seem to cover up the pain of life by simply living, only to discover that pain when there is a loss. It was easy living for you, but it's now very hard living for myself. I look in the mirror and seem strangely alone. Being alone is worse than dying -- trust me on that one.

Strange thoughts happened at your passing. For the first time in 15 years, I didn't know what to say. For the first time in 15 years, I couldn't fix something. For the first time in 15 years, I had to say good-bye.

I really miss you darlin, I really miss your smiling face. And I miss your sense of humor. As you checked into the hospital for the last time, the nurse asked you if you were allergic to any drugs, and you said, "I guess not; I've tried them all!"

Now, where do we go from here, those of us left behind? What do we do? I guess I've answered that question already. We go back to simply living. We go back to loving one another. But, can we go back with a new inspiration, born from the experience of knowing you? Can we go back with a greater purpose in life as we anticipate the eventualities that we will face? Will we discover greater courage and bravery as we remember the example that you placed before us? I say yes to all those questions because I believe there is no purpose in friendship except to deepen the spirit. So just remember, darlin, that good-byes are only for the flesh. Your spirit is with me always.

(And also from Mike...)

And now I would like to recite a sonnet. This little poem brought Laraine and me together, and now it is inextricably linked to our separation in this world. Some may find it difficult to accept fantastic circumstances. Nevertheless, this poem was delivered to me by Laraine's newly departed daughter one year before I met Laraine. I had no idea of the incredible journey, the remarkable spiritual adventure that I would partake in as unseen forces were working behind the scenes. Sixteen years ago this poem was Rosemary's message. Today I rededicate this little poem as a message from Laraine!


I feel a gift of passion
I have a gift of love
It doesn't live within me
It comes from up above

When I shall pass from this old earth
It seeks a new soul at its birth
Creating love and passion new
Directly toward someone like you

So if you feel this mystery
It's up to you to follow me
Through misty fields of promised love
It comes through you from up above

And what reward will you have then?
The knowing that it's here again!

And now this concludes the memorial service which was a celebration of the life of Laraine Veronica Ferrara.



This page updated March 23, 2014

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