Written July 22, 2003
Itís 2 a.m. and once again I find myself alone, struggling with intense emotional pain - the shame, the guilt, the remorse over choices I have made as a mother. I think back, the years disappearing, as I peer through the mists of time to the moment in the hospital when my five-day-old son was taken from my arms for the last time. At barely 17 years old, Iíve given birth to a beautiful baby boy of mixed race. And I have made the choice to give him up for adoption. My heart breaks as I kiss his tiny forehead for the last time, and inhale the sweet smell of his skin, forever burning that moment into my memory.
I move forward two years to the next choice. I am walking out of the abortion clinic, feeling my 19-week-old fetus writhing in the last moments of its brief life in my womb. I get into my car, struggling to hold back the tears. I am filled with guilt and shame over my choice to abort this child, but at the same time relief that the pregnancy has ended. I push my feelings aside and sit there in my car for a minute, focusing my thoughts on how I will get to the emergency room when I go into labor without my parents finding out.
At 19 weeks I will have to go into labor and give birth. I wonder, for the millionth time, how I got myself into this situation.
Another memory surfaces, demanding my attention - Iím 44 and in the hospital again, this time for an emergency hysterectomy. I lay alone in my room, aware of the muffled sounds from nurses and patients floating through my door. Drugged on Percodan, Iím grateful for the brief respite from the physical pain - and the pain that comes from deep sorrow, feelings of loss and failure, all that threaten to overwhelm me. I know I must eventually face the sorrow of losing my ovaries and uterus due to fibroid tumors, the loss of the fullness of my womanhood, but I canít do it, at least not right now.
Fast forward to now... I think about my 15-year-old daughter and how she has been cutting herself, wanting to commit suicide to get out of a life she finds unbearable - a life I helped to create when I gave up residential custody of her to her father. What used to be a close and wonderful relationship is almost non-existent now. God, it hurts so much!
As I lay there in the dark, silent tears slide down my face - tears of a mother consumed by the shame and guilt of motherhood choices - wounds that never seem to heal. How can I even call myself a mother, I wonder? I have broken the rule of motherhood, the rule that countless generations of mothers before me have lived by - the one that states that I should never give up my child, no matter what. I think of all the pain that has come to pass from breaking it, not only for myself, but also for those closest to me. I feel I have failed so miserably as a mother. Eventually, the fatigue of a heavy heart overcomes me and I fall back asleep, but not before berating myself for what seems like the millionth time.
Itís now morning. I sit here writing this article after a long talk with my husband Jonathan. Iíve poured out my pain over the previous night to him, desperately seeking understanding. He helps me to realize that though I have cleared the guilt from my choices, I have not cleared the shame and that is why I had another one of what I call the "nights in hell." I wonder how many other women have had nights, or perhaps days, like the one I described? How many women carry the guilt and shame of an abortion? How many young girls are plagued by the shame they experienced as a pregnant teen and the painful, heart-breaking memory of the child they gave up? I wonder how many mothers go to bed each night, feeling like a failure because they gave up the day-to-day care of their children? As we talk it becomes clear that I must write about the wounds that 3D motherhood beliefs create, so that other women can heal them as I have started to do. I am so grateful to have a man who can listen to me share my painful memories without judging them or trying to fix it - someone who can help me explore them and get to the bottom of what is still unhealed.
So why is it such a struggle to release ourselves from this type of shame and guilt? Why do we find it so hard to forgive ourselves? Is it perhaps because we live in a society that promotes a standard for mothers, a set of distorted beliefs that if we were to live up to them, we would have to sacrifice much of ourselves to do so? And not only do they promote this distorted standard, they attach the consequences of guilt and shame to those brave women who dare to step beyond the limits. No wonder we struggle!
There is so little support and education available for more functional and balanced beliefs. I feel that our beliefs about motherhood, what it should and shouldnít be, have greatly attributed to the level of female problems we experience today. We are at that point in our ascension when we can no longer stuff these emotions; we must bring them out and clear them; otherwise we face the consequences of living these beliefs - a loss of sexuality, or the ability to have children, and the ability to mother with joy - all three our inherent rights as women.
I began the process of healing my motherhood wounds when I was fortunate enough to learn of what I call the Higher Perspective. Through this level of wisdom, Iíve begun the process of setting myself free from the guilt and shame Iíve carried. At the beginning of this article I shared painful, heart-wrenching pieces of my memories, in the hopes that if you had similar experiences, they would help you to get in touch with the pain of those memories and begin to heal them. Now, with the help of the Higher Perspective, along with an example of how to apply it, you have the knowledge to do so. To begin, you will need a basic understanding of the Higher Perspective.
The Higher Perspective
The Higher Perspective is the level of consciousness or understanding where Dark and Light in all their forms cease to exist as polarities, one better or worse than the other. At this level, they are viewed simply as expressions of All That Is manifesting in various forms from the hands of Creator gods and goddesses - us. When one reaches the level of the Higher Perspective, one has achieved total acceptance of All That Is, also known as compassion.
The Higher Perspective teaches us that there are many names for God and many choices of gender, depending on your spiritual orientation. For the sake of this article we will call this energy Divine Creator who, for convenience in writing, I will make female in gender. It is often said that Divine Creator chose to fragment herself, thus giving birth to new souls in order to experience more of who she is. Through the creations created by her new little creator gods and goddesses, she would learn more about herself, just like a mother learns more about herself through the experiences of her child. We are soul fragments of Divine Creator and therefore we exist to create.
The main purpose of our creations is to learn more of who we are as souls and thus, enable Divine Creator to learn more about herself through us. We find that the best way to accomplish this is to play games (games in this case refers to games for soul growth and are of the highest order.) They allow us to fully experience whatever we as creator gods/goddesses can create. The goal of our games is always soul growth. In this universe the Game is Polarity Integration. It is the game chosen by Divine Creator to be played out in her universe. So, our goal is always to obtain growth through creating and playing games.
In the beginning our games are pretty simple, not complex roles to get stuck in, but as we mature as souls we create ever more sophisticated games, complete with very complex and multifaceted roles. That is where we are right now. Earth and its belief systems is a game - of the highest order, and only those souls who have mastered all the other games in the universe come here to play. You could liken it to the professional golf tournament called the "Masters," where the golf course upon which the tournament is played is one of the most beautiful in the world, but also the most complex and difficult. Only a master could possibly win at this level of the game.
The roles we play are how we learn about ourselves. Each role that we create has two sides to it, a Light side and a Dark side. Through playing out both sides of a role, we learn unconditional acceptance of the aspect of Light and Dark involved in that role. We learn where we are still unable to achieve that acceptance and, until we do, we continue to create games with those roles and play them out, from incarnation to incarnation.
Since itís hard to play a game without other players, we enlist the help of other souls in our games; the service to others concept comes into play here (no pun intended.) When other souls play roles for us, they enable us to see the parts of ourselves that we want to bring into balance and learn how to use constructively. Light and Dark are strong energies that require maturity and wisdom to use constructively. And the Dark polarity is an especially challenging energy that can easily overwhelm and control us until we learn how to manage it.
As we play these games for soul evolution, we form partnerships with certain souls. We agree to exchange places with our partners, playing out the opposite end of each role so that each partner can experience all aspects of what it is like to be in a certain situation. Such is the manner in the roles of abortions, adoptions, and custody changes.
Continuing on, we obtain soul growth through service to self and to others. The way we serve is through playing roles in each otherís games. Through these roles we show others the aspects of themselves that they cannot see so, in essence, we act as mirrors for them.
Before we agree to play roles in another soulís game, we enter into a contract with him/her. In this contract we agree to play the role exactly as scripted by the soul for whom we are playing the role. And, we agree to continue to play the role exactly as scripted until the person for whom we are playing it sees the mirror in his or herself. Once this is accomplished, we can be released from the role. At this level there is no place for sin and thus forgiveness.
Sin implies that someone did something wrong. The Higher Perspective informs us that we are all souls playing roles in order to assist each other in obtaining soul growth, and thus, providing Divine Creator with the opportunities to learn more about who she is in keeping with the purpose for which we were created.
So, here we are back at the beginning - the foundation is laid; now letís move on and begin healing our motherhood wounds. Healing the wounds of abortion, adoption and custody changes.
Our society teaches us that motherhood is a gift and one that we should never forsake, no matter what sacrifices we must make. This means that if we choose to forsake our child, regardless of the reason, we will forever carry the burden of guilt and shame that forsaking that gift will surely bring. From the Higher Perspective, it is seen a bit differently. Weíll explore each type of situation and its multidimensional perspective. (Multidimensional means more than one-dimensional; multiple dimensions. In this regard, it means that there is more than one level of consciousness or understanding and a more compassionate, hence, balanced set of beliefs that can apply.) By understanding and embracing the Higher Perspective, we can finally release ourselves from the guilt and shame of our motherhood choices and prevent the medical problems that become their legacy.
TO BE CONTINUED