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from the April 2007 Star Beacon
 

Time Enough

by Ann Ulrich Miller

          Things have somewhat settled down in my life. Years ago, I knew I was on a collision course with Fate and had better slow down. When it didn’t look like I was going to heed the warning, Spirit stepped in, and events occurred which I could not ignore.
          Most people on the collision course with Life end up with strokes or heart attacks, and then they are forced to slow down, and often to the detriment of themselves and those around them.
          I must have kind and gentle angels. If I don’t take the hint, they lay it out for me to see, and then if I still don’t listen to them, they let me trip and fall a bit. I’ve done a lot of that in the last two decades.
          It was time to get my life together, let go of a lot of the stresses I had placed on myself, and release some obstacles, such as debts and unproductive obligations. Spirit was telling me to quit fooling around with making a living and start making a life.
          As most of you know, 2006 was challenging in the respect that my husband became seriously ill, and there were times I feared he would not make it. Little did I know that this was the means by which change would be effected in both our lives.
          Last fall, we put our Colorado property up for sale, in our desire to relocate to a lower altitude and be closer to his relatives. We were lucky to sell at the end of the year and move to our present location in southeastern Ohio.
          That last month in Colorado was probably the most challenging of all. The added stress of preparing to move caused Ethan’s condition to worsen, and there were times I truly wondered if we’d make it to Ohio. Plus, I was traumatized by giving up my job of 17 years, and leaving my friends. So much of my spiritual life took place there in Colorado. Giving up the rural land we cherished and a home we had made into our cozy nest was heart-wrenching.
          On the other hand, I didn’t want to be stuck in the same mold for another two decades... never having the time for the things I wanted to do, never having enough funds to get out of debt. Creeping responsibilities were creating ever more stress in my life at a time when all I wanted to do was be there for my loved one in his time of need.
          When we arrived in Ohio the beginning of February, there was the excitement of a new home and unpacking our belongings, and I was occupied for three or four weeks just trying to get settled. We knew we had done the right thing, because Ethan immediately responded to the change. Now he seems healthier, happier and more enthusiastic, and is even spending time with projects he enjoys.
          As for myself, I had a period of adjustment to deal with. I’ve always held a job and brought in a humble paycheck of some sort. There was no job waiting for me here, and the plan was for me to stay home and take care of my husband.
          First, there was the guilt... “Oh, I should be working!”... “I’m not old enough to retire...” and then there was anxiety... “What am I going to do with myself all day long?”... and then came the homesickness... “Oh, God, I miss Colorado!”
          Dwelling on those ideas was definitely not helping the transition. I had to re-examine my motives for instigating such a big change in our lives:
 

          1) Husband’s health (success!);
          2) Getting out of debt (big relief!);
          3) Decreasing job stress (you mean that’s actually possible?).

          All my life I’d wanted to have a life where I could create, using my gifts, and suddenly that has become possible. I finally can say I have the time now to spend on writing projects that for all those years were pushed aside in favor of earning money to pay off bills.
          With this realization, I was finally able to sit back and sigh in gratitude. I have been granted a wonderful opportunity... a “sabbatical” of sorts... the chance to concentrate on making a life for myself and my loved one. Time with him is what is important now, because there is no telling how many, or how few, the years will be.
          I have lost track of the days, for the most part. Each day is a new gift, a new beginning, with a fresh start at whatever project I choose to work on. If I want to take a break and do something different, such as bake bread or work in the yard, I’m free to do so. No longer am I confined to the idea that I have only this speck of time left in my week to squeeze in my Star Beacon and spiritual work. If I sleep an hour later in the morning, so what? And I don’t have to feel guilty about calling in sick if I’m having “one of those days.”
          Timelessness has taken the place of fretting about deadlines, about having to be at my desk at a certain time each morning or forfeit pay. No longer do I worry about Monday mornings or being selfish with my time on weekends.
          And to think how many people in the world have always lived this way... now it is my turn... at least for a while. For, the truth is, one day this may change again. And I actually hope that is the case. Even as stressful a life as it was, I enjoyed having a job, being among people, tackling everyday problems, anticipating Fridays, and juggling all my projects. It made me feel valued, even though I might have felt under-valued from what I got out of it pay-wise.
          Time is a valuable commodity. Money, to me, is not important. As long as my needs are met and I am not causing anybody any hardship, I will cherish this special time in my life, where I am making a life instead of a living.
          When most people retire, they are completely burned out in both body and mind. But I’m still young, and my energy is up there, both physically and creatively. So, why not take advantage of this gift of Time? It could be the most productive phase of my lifetime.
          Only Time will tell.

          Ann Ulrich Miller is publisher of The Star Beacon.

Copyright © 2007 Ann Ulrich Miller